Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
the day after is always just damage control
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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