Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Dignity is for republicans.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
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