I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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