a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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