The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
