The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
and she was petting her beer can
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
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I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
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Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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