i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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