Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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