I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
