It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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