I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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