cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
