I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
