he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
