I just threw up on my dentist
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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