I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
