just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
