I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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