Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I am midnight drunk by noon
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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