I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
