I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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