he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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