Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
