No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
