weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
