I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
