Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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