hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
