I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
