look no pants
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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