Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
