I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It's blow job season.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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