We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
My sheets look like a crime scene.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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