Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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