I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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