good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
