Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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