when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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