Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
