Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
