I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
