Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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