Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I AM VODKA MAN
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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