On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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