i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
