my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
