On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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