The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
