it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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