Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
