I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
