i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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