if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
