you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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