shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
